Regarding the statement in my last post that Tina literally saved my life:
I know many of you will say that no one else can save you, you have to save yourself. I certainly agree. But what you really mean is that no one can heal you. In this story regarding Tina, I’m not specifically talking about healing, I’m literally talking about saving. To be blunt, I was suicidal. When I met Tina, she made me feel human again. She was the first one to help me realize that I didn’t want to die… I just wanted to live better.
I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me that I have healing to do. I created some very real self-inflicted trauma through my affair and divorce. That’s a new kind of trauma that is different. Mostly I’m talking about finding the health that I needed prior to my divorce to be healthy and to have a healthy marriage. Health that would have come from addressing my childhood family systems, undiagnosed trauma as an adult… and now this new kind of self-inflicted trauma.
I’m still a work in progress - I’m still healing - and doing the work only I can do. I have ups and downs. I know that I need to be whole for myself in order to be whole for others. Tina and I are certainly not perfect, and although some people think we should, I’m not going to post about our bad days on Instagram. But what I will tell you - is that without Tina, and a small handful of friends who stood by my side - I may not be on this planet.
Every one of us has someone in our life that helped us through our lowest moment. Maybe it’s a friend, a mentor, or a therapist. Maybe not. Whoever they were, they provided the emotional support for you while you did the work. For some reason, we fear that person being anything other than that. My psychiatrist was great, but most of my friends and mentors were distant. That’s part of being in a public divorce, people fear staying close. But a lot of life happens between the weekly therapy sessions. It was nice to be around someone who said, “Listen, I’m the last one who should judge you” followed by “… and who is Jen Hatmaker? Never heard of her.”
Brandon, you spoke at our No Need Among You conference a couple of years before your divorce. I remember watching you as you sat in the pew waiting to go up to take the stage. I could see your brokenness and I remember praying for you in that moment. Bless God for you.
Not sure if I should say this, but here goes: as someone who doesn’t know anyone in this story personally, but who has been a reader and listener for years, I struggle with so many comments I’m seeing in the book launch and coverage that are purely condemnation (even now), and don’t seem to allow room for redemption and restoration for both you and your ex. I would be devastated if in one of my worst experiences with another person, they were the only one “allowed” to find wholeness and a way back. I appreciate that you are able to own your mistakes and the pain they caused, but even more so, that you’ve been able to move beyond to a beautiful new life with someone who helped save you. I pray both of you will be able to weather the storm of the retelling of one of the lowest points in your life, and then when the storm passes, be able to continue to move on in the joy of living fully that appears to be so true in all you share in your spaces. Thank you.