We are all bigger than our lowest moment.

Here are five things I'd like to offer some perspective on...

We are all bigger than our lowest moment. For those of us living in the consequences of our actions, that can be a hard sell. While I know this truth in my head, I still struggle today to really believe it - for myself - in my heart.

The lowest moment of my life was my very public affair five years ago. I caused so much pain and I brought so much humiliation into the lives of people that I loved. It was the culmination of a three-year personal spiral in which I had lost my anchor, felt no hope, and was the loneliest I've ever been in my life.

While that was the lowest moment of my life, a very close second, is having to relive it today. Even harder, to watch others who I love - because of my failures - having to do the same. I've owned my mistakes, I've made amends, I continue to do the work, I've worked hard to restore relationships, and I've started over.

Let me be clear about something, I understand what it means to sit in the consequences of my actions. In no way do my circumstances excuse my actions. The purpose of this article is not to make excuses or rationalize anything, The purpose is to simply add context to a handful of areas where the vast majority, and nearly every new follower, is missing. It's about a few items that don't change what I did, but warrant some important distinctions - especially in areas that may cause someone to look more critically towards the church, make assumptions about someone I love, or fuel any personal angst or confusion they might be wrestling with personally.

Many of you are new to my story and hear the promotion, read the articles, and watch the interviews. I've noticed a handful of statements that tell only a piece of the story. Without context, there have been many things said that leave it up to the reader or listener to decide how to fill in the blanks.

I often choose not to stand up for myself out of fear of it coming across as making excuses. Nothing can make this wrong a right. But I do hope it to be helpful if some of you find yourself in my story. Maybe it will save you some heartbreak. The truth is that people in a healthy marriage don’t just wake up one day and decide to have an affair. I didn't fall out of love overnight. Our relationship was coming to a slow and painful ending. And I privately mourned the death of our marriage years before our divorce. I wish I could go back and find a way to fix it or give myself the courage to end it right. But I can’t.

A lot of you reading this have been divorced. You could be on either side of this story. Maybe you're a child of divorce. Statistics say that the majority of you are. I guess I'm writing this to you to bring some humanity and hope back to the other side. Not one that makes excuses, but one that helps us to look at others as humans again.

Jen has every right to share her piece of the story. I don't blame her for that. But I believe there are some truths left out that paint a false narrative on topics that are truly important to me. I'm not saying what she wrote is untrue. I'm saying that what's left unsaid isn't her responsibility to tell. The only one who can do that, is me.

To start off, here are five things I'd like to offer some perspective on...

1. Parenting:

The narrative has been that Jen was "left to parent five kids alone".

My kids are my world. But if I were new to the Hatmaker story and read this, I would assume I was a deadbeat dad. That we had 5 young children at home, that I was unengaged, uncaring, and unsupportive. This narrative leads the reader to believe that I had stopped being a father, not just a husband.

This couldn't be further from the truth.

To be clear, at the time of our divorce we had three adult kids and two teenagers. I know that I forever changed their story, but I was always available, was constantly engaged, and always supported them... and still do.

Jen was certainly the sole parent who had to carry them emotionally through the trauma of my affair, but I have beautiful memories of heartfelt and honest conversations about that as well. Since the divorce, I've had the joy of helping teach my youngest to drive, celebrated birthday's and holidays together, spent hunting weekend's with my boys, moved in (and out) of college, helped build resumes, dealt with car breakdowns, talked through dating struggles, cheered as they walked across the stage at graduations, celebrated a wedding, a marine boot camp, and most recently the joy of becoming a grandfather. I continue to parent and will always parent where appropriate. But my greatest joy is seeing them as the strong and independent young adults I always hoped they would be.

2. “We were Pastors”

Jen was asked in a recent interview: "Can you tell me about the initial feelings of realizing that your husband was cheating on you?"

Her Answer: "That was the singular most shocking thing that has ever happened to me. We were pastors."

This was not the first time the narrative was shaped in this way… nor denied… and is VERY important to me.

I spent the majority of my adult life serving in the church. I have decades of proud and truthful and beautiful moments and memories filled with joy and purpose. But it had been years since I had been a pastor. In three years time, I had become a very broken and lost man who had given up.

This is one of the toughest parts of the story for me. While I struggle today to find my place in it - I still love and have hope for church. In fact, if I have any shred of dignity that remains, it was that I had stepped down from church leadership literally years prior to my affair. In the middle of so much deconstruction in the church.. please know there are so many true and genuine church leaders out there... and for so long, I was one of them.

A lot of you don't know our story, but church leadership can be really hard. I always tried to teach with honesty, and integrity, and empathy. But after a really tough year leading, some difficult health issues, some horrific family issues, and a very traumatic experience where I was involved in an incident where a close friend died (where I felt at fault), I found myself teaching on stage one Sunday morning in 2017, feeling for the first time an absence of hope. I couldn't personally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I was depressed. I was sad… and I could not and would not teach others without confidently being able to offer hope in what I was teaching. That was my last sermon.

My affair was in 2020. I stepped down from church staff in 2015 to focus on our Donor Advised Fund, and to assist with some of the administrative stuff for Jen. For a season, I remained on the leadership board at church and taught mostly in relief of my successor. My final sermon was in 2017.

To be clear, I didn't lose my faith. But I lost my anchor. I was in a tormented season where I couldn't say with confidence that I felt God was with me. To be honest, I went through a season where I was mad at him. I'm not mad at him anymore, but I certainly can't claim I know exactly how he works, and I'm trying to find my way back. As you can imagine, it's tough finding a safe place to do that with the last name Hatmaker.

3. Fighting for my Marriage:

Some of the discussion has painted the picture that I was cold and uncaring after my affair was exposed. On the early morning everything happened, Jen gave me the ultimatum to share the entire truth right in that moment, I just remember not wanting to say anything that I couldn't unsay, so I left. After a day or two we sat down and I shared everything.

While at times I hoped it would "self correct", I worried about us every day for years. I have lists still on my phone of things I tried to do daily, I initiated conversations but we just couldn't find a common language, I went to counseling (alone) for three years prior to my affair, I felt invisible in my marriage, and I kept spiraling until there was no lower place to go. Jen and I eventually went to a handful of therapy sessions together - but to be honest - it was too late.

To have an affair was extremely new to me and not who I truly am. I had completely lost myself. My anger had turned to resentment, which turned to entitlement. There's no affair story that isn't gross, or secret, or deceptive. Mine was no different. I was in the middle of giving up and trying not to. And then I did.

Some people have asked if I wanted to be caught. Today, that question gives me pause because all I can remember about that moment was the pain I caused and the extreme relief I felt to be exposed. It's possible I did want to be caught. I didn't have the courage to end it myself.

I think after the shock of the affair we were both just spinning. I spent 31 days at Milestones at Onsite in Tennessee which is a residential treatment center. 12 hours a day of counseling, group therapy, and trauma education without the distraction of a phone, TV, or the internet. It was life altering for me.

When I got home it was a whirlwind. I had gone through 3 1/2 years of therapy crammed into 31 days.

I knew in my brain what happened, why, and how to deal with it better now... but I didn't know yet how to live it out in the real world. It was all just so traumatic. And I didn't handle everything well, or with sensitivity... and things just didn't get better.

Until it did. I actually started to wonder and feel shreds of hope. Everything seemed very final but felt like it didn't have to be. I reached out to Jen with these words:

"You explained how you feel and I understand. But you’ve never said that it is insurmountable. Yet that’s what you’ve conveyed to me. That’s what I felt and that’s what I gave in to. Is it?

We had years of no connection no intimacy no vulnerability. is it possible after what I’ve done to regain that? If I thought it was possible I would try with all my heart. But I also know that I’ve crushed you so deep that it’s likely this is not recoverable and I’m accepting that but you’ve never said it.

Please tell me if that’s where we are. If so, I won’t press you again."

Her response back to me was thoughtful, and honest, and closed with a final statement...

“For me there is no path back to reconnection.”

That closed the book for me. From that moment on my focus was my kids and my future. Not long after that I met Tina. She may have saved my life. Not figuratively, but literally. That's another story I hope to share one day.

It's hard to admit this after growing up in the southern baptist world, but I see now that it was right for Jen and I to divorce. But you can do the right thing the wrong way. And that's what I did. We grew into two different people and we changed so much over the years. I think we both just needed something that the other couldn't provide.

4. Is the Book a “Tell All”?

If I was reviewing the book, I'd say, no. It's really not a tell-all. From what I read I would estimate less than 5% if it is about the divorce. And that's probably a generous number. What you've seen or heard in the promo is the majority of what is in the book. There's no more tea spilled. The other 95% - among other things - is primarily about her life, deconstructing the systems she grew up in, and rebuilding after a failed marriage.

So where did the expectation of a "tell all" come from? I think a couple places. First, I think a lot of people just wanted it and filled in their own blanks. Second, one major magazine put out that language in a promo which they quickly recanted. The third, while the affair and divorce may only be 5% of the book, it feels like it's been 95% of the promotion. Anyone hosting an interview, a show, or a podcast is certainly going to jump on that theme. It’s at the beginning of the book, and certainly the biggest hook.

The 2:30 am story she writes about is a painful scene to be relived 5 years later. It’s my failure, but it’s her story as well… she has every right to tell it. I would hoped any detail not shared over the past 5 years was out of discretion or the discernment that it was unnecessary, unhelpful, or non-redemptive to share... nonetheless, here we are.

5. My Wife:

I’ve said this before, but I’ll reiterate it here. It's been assumed by some that Tina, my wife, was my affair partner. She was not. Articles have referenced that we got engaged within a year of my divorce which is not true. Others references share that we were exclusive prior to the divorce being finalized which lacks context.

In no way was Tina involved or a part of my divorce in 2020. Jen verifies this in her book. To be clear, Tina and I had never met until after the divorce was filed. This was also after Jen told me that for her "there was no path back to reconnection".

Yes, Tina and I became exclusive before the divorce was finalized - but Jen and I intentionally delayed finalizing the divorce for mutually agreed-upon reasons. None of those reasons had anything to do with giving the marriage time to reconcile. It was at Jen's request to delay the divorce and I agreed.

For those who read or believe the narrative that I remarried too quickly… The fact is that Tina and I got engaged two years later in July of 2022 and married the following December. And I’ll say it again: “ Tina may have saved my life. Not figuratively, but literally. That's another story I hope to share one day.

(Edit: Okay. Maybe I’ll share some of it now. I know many of you will say that no one else can save you, you have to save yourself. I certainly agree. But what you really mean is that no one can heal you. In this story regarding Tina, I’m not specifically talking about healing, I’m literally talking about saving. To be blunt, I was suicidal. When I met Tina, she made me feel human again. She was the first one to help me realize that I didn’t want to die… I just wanted to live better.

I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me that I have healing to do. I created some very real self-inflicted trauma through my affair and divorce. That’s a new kind of trauma that is different. Mostly I’m talking about finding the health that I needed prior to my divorce to be healthy and to have a healthy marriage. Health that would have come from addressing my childhood family systems, undiagnosed trauma as an adult… and now this new kind of self-inflicted trauma.

I’m still a work in progress - I’m still healing - and doing the work only I can do. I have ups and downs. I know that I need to be whole for myself in order to be whole for others. Tina and I are certainly not perfect, and although some people think we should, I’m not going to post about our bad days on Instagram. But what I will tell you - is that without Tina, and a small handful of friends who stood by my side - I may not be on this planet.

Every one of us has someone in our life that helped us through our lowest moment. Maybe it’s a friend, a mentor, or a therapist. Maybe not. Whoever they were, they provided the emotional support for you while you did the work. For some reason, we fear that person being anything other than that. My psychiatrist was great, but most of my friends and mentors were distant. That’s part of being in a public divorce, people fear staying close. But a lot of life happens between the weekly therapy sessions. It was nice to be around someone who said, “Listen, I’m the last one who should judge you” followed by “… and who is Jen Hatmaker? Never heard of her.”)

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That’s all I’ve got for now. To be honest, I’m hoping to launch this into a place where people can discuss and learn more about trauma in their lives. From family systems (childhood trauma) to adult trauma, understanding where we came from and why we feel, respond, and act the way we do, affects our relationships on every level. This has become a passion of mine. I think the Apostle Paul said it best:

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. - Romans 7:15 (ESV)